Your 2002 Weekly Planner
Irish Diplomacy: The ability to tell a man to go to hell so he will look forward to making the trip.
Irish Altzheimers: they only remember the grudges.
Irish Sobriety: An Irishman is never drunk so long as he can hold onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
The problem with some people is that
when they aren’t drunk they’re sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
Irish Deafness
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A Uniquely Irish Perspective
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief.
"Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh,no, Darby - look!" said Pat, respectfully removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."
The Dead Jackass
Father Hennessy rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day and he walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Ryan. How might I help ye?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Hennessy at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Ryan, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk. "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites?"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Hennessy then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
The Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An Irishman's Philosophy:
There are only two things to worry about:
Either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about:
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die, there are two things to worry about:
Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands
with all your friends, then you won't have time to worry!